Crabs are amazing. Cracking opens crabs is a pain-in-the-ass….but is does not have to be…
The Fed Up’s ’Angry Eater,’ used to be a legendary crab fanatic. At a young age, when most were craving chicken nuggets, the Angry Eater was ordering snow crab whenever possible. Through years of careful practice, he could rip apart the tough shell of snow crab and get down to the flesh faster than most. He taught me everything there is to know about how freaking tasty these crustaceans could be.
Recently I was having dinner with the Angry Eater at a seafood place where a beautiful bucket of crab sat between the two of us. I jumped at it expecting some serious competition for who would get the biggest cluster of legs. But my crab ‘mentor’ stayed sidelined and resorted to some fried fish… Of course I asked him what was the problem? Had he suddenly become a devout member of the Jewish faith and banned shellfish from his diet to practice the strictest Kosher laws?… The Angry Eater looked me in the eye and sadly described how he is sick of opening up the damn shells after all these years.
I could not agree more. Cracking crabs open to get to the delicate goodness inside is freaking annoying. Beside creating a huge mess of the table and yourself, cracking crabs takes forever, leaving you eating alone while the rest of your fellow diners have long since finished dessert.
But there is a miracle tool to make like easier…it is only found at a few key places. This plastic ’gift from the Gods’ is capable of quickly slicing through a snow crab leg faster than Vader sliced off Luke’s hand (I must have at least one nerdy Star Wars reference in the post). These are simple, intuitive things. No advanced technological or revolutionary design. They are just a handle with ‘claw’ edge at one end that allows you to cut along the length of a crab leg by applying a little leverage.
BUT what pisses me off is the rarity of these wonderful tools. You know a culinary product must be a ’secret’ or EXTREMELY rare if you can’t find it at a Williams Sonoma where they sell EVERY over-priced an unnecessary kitchen gadget known to exist…So because I have yet to find a retailer selling these amazing things, I have been forced to ‘borrow’ a few of these simple devices from the eateries where I encountered them so that I could make use of their efficiency on home-made-crab dishes.
Why the Hell are these things not more popular?!? It simply does not make sense why these crab cracking devices are even more rare than sporks (another AMAZING tool). Our stubborn society can be ignorant and slow to adopt things that can make life so much easier.