Torn up slices of American cheese are the final pre-bake topping which end up fusing the whole thing into one disgusting mess.

There are times when nasty-sounding food combinations end up becoming your favorite recipes. But then there are those things that sound perfect in principle, but in reality end up being food flops.

Hotdogs can be tasty. Pizza is always good. So a ‘hotdog-pizza’ would be awesome…right?!

No.

A layer of tomato sauce, topped with onions, bell peppers, mushrooms, did not do much to help the rest of the toppings which included the required hotdogs, American cheese, shredded lettuce, green onions, and pickle relish. YES. I said pickle relish.

I figured if I was going to make a hotdog themed pizza, it might as well be exactly what I would want on a hotdog. So post-bake, the shredded lettuce,  fresh tomato, green onion, a bit of BBQ sauce, spicy seasoning and relish was added. This just resulted in an awkward eating experience.

In theory it all made sense…but my sense of taste simply did not agree. There was just no synergy here.

While edible and slightly enjoyable, the hotdog pizza will not become a Fed Up staple. I just have found too many awesome pizza topping combos that easily are of more interest to me than this nonsense. Instead it will remain a last-resort, culinary creation. One that purely will be revisited when random bits or relish and processed protein needs to get used up; or when a sudden craving for an awkward eating experience is desired.

Do you have any ideas how to make a hotdog pizza work? What about a cheese burger pizza? And is it EVER possible to incorporate pickles into pizza?

Don’t be a jerk. Follow the Subway standard: one sandwich per person.

In general, the simple rule should be one sandwich ordered per person (unless you are a fat-ass and need 24 inches of doughy bread, processed cheese , limp cold-cuts and gloppy mayo to fill yourself up).

It is one thing to order an additional meal or two for your closest of office-buddies. But when a single person in line starts to get to ordering sandwich five , then the line has been crossed and they have gone too far. At this point, the sandwich-starved customers eagerly waiting for their chance to order,  all have the right to begin aggressively grumbling and flinging descriptive threats.

Well, I will admit. I was one of those jackasses just the other day. I know I definitely crossed the line by ordering one too many 6″ subs, when I realized the crowd behind me had turned into a maddened mob. I cautiously  glanced back and  noticed that I was about to get my head cracked open by the pissed-off construction worker standing next to me. I avoided eye contact with the protesting patrons behind me,  and hoped the “sandwich-artist” would work even faster.

I learned my lesson and so should you; DON’T cross the line.

“cheese food”…

When a company has to go extra lengths to  reassure you that the product they are selling is edible, then do you really even want to consider eating the stuff?!?

It seems that this spreadable ‘cheese’ is so processed and unrecognizable that the manufacture needed to list it as ‘Spreadable Cold Pack Cheese Food.’ I guess they must have had too many of their customers complaining that the were getting their cheese spread and play-dough confused or something like that.

I personally avoid foods where the product manufacture has to try to convince you that their tub of goop is actually food and meant to be eaten.

People need to stop being so damn dependent on their sacred ‘Joy of Cooking’ textbook, or their Food & Wine Magazine subscriptions. And while I love watching an episode of Iron Chef America or some other Food Network program, sometimes we ALL need to just turn the TV off, close the cookbooks, and toss out those monthly magazines.

I will be the fist to admit that gaining guidance from professional chefs and following trusted recipes has its place. I have more than my fair share of food-related-reading material. And now the internet plays a huge role in my recipe-research.  I am constantly surfing the web searching some cooking site or  blog for ideas for my next food-combo; BUT I recently realized that I can find far tastier results by doing a search in REAL LIFE.

The other day, I was visiting my Grandmother. She is over 80 years old and knows how to made a damn good turkey sandwich. Of course anyone can Google ‘turkey sandwich’ and find some perfectly acceptable recipe for how to make this simple meal. But will it be as good as Grand-mom’s? NO. It won’t.

Many people you interact with on a daily basis have amazing cooking skills or at least are black-belts in a few ‘family recipes.’ They have trade-secrets and can give you good advice. These secrets make ordinary meals extraordinary. PLUS, the people you know and have cooked for you, know what YOU like; or at least what you are used to.

So why could I never make a turkey sandwich that tasted as good as Grandmom’s? There had to be some reason her freaking turkey sandwiches were idolized by the whole family. I searched online and read many creative suggestions, but nothing ever tasted as good as what I knew Grandmother what serving.  So while visiting Grandmother this past time, I decided to ignore the TV in the background and I did not converse with my cousins. Instead I carefully studied how Grandmother cooks. I asked her many questions which she enthusiastically answered. After a couple of days I learned more than I could possible have learned from any celebrity chef.

Peeled tomatoes.

Grandmother’s big secret to the perfect turkey sandwich: peeling tomatoes before slicing them and adding them to the sandwich. I am not saying that YOU are going to find that peeled tomatoes suddenly turn your boring sandwich into something to shout about…but for ME, those big juicy PEELED tomatoes stuffed between the bread and meat were both the taste and texture that I was so familiar with. To ME, that is what tasted good and what I knew defined the truly tasty turkey sandwich of my childhood.

So follow the examples set by the people closest to you.  Observe, listen and learn from your peers, friends, and the people immediately around you; the people whose food you have been eating for years. You may suddenly realize that you like sandwiches more if they have Miracle Whip instead of mayo, or if the bread is from a certain brand…or even that you like peeled tomatoes.

But peeled tomatoes and a few minor adjustments does not explain why some things just taste simply amazing. The ‘trade secrets’ are just  half the reason why Grandmother’s food is so freaking perfect…

People generally like what they know or what they grew up with. That ‘comfort food’ that we are so used to just feels ‘right’ when we stuff our faces with it. Familiar food and recipes have a huge advantage over any stranger-created concoction. As human beings we naturally have certain emotional connections and positive memories attached to what we already know and have experienced. When you sit down in Grandmother’s dinning room to be served a beautiful meal made with love the same way you have done since you were a little kid, then there is more than just a written down recipe you are enjoying.  No matter what the cooking is like, the whole occasion is flavored by the associations you have connected with being in that particular place, eating that particular meal, made by that particular person.

So while Grandmother’s years of cooking experience ensures she knows what the proper temperature is to roast a turkey and how to efficiently slice up vegetables, it is the deeply rooted psychological attributes attached to her food that makes it so special. Grand-mom’s grub is served with a side of positive feelings and wonderful associations. The memories and emotions that are delivered with her familiar dishes can only be experienced through the creations her own hands put together and place on her dining room table. ‘Grandmoms love’ can never be replicated in my own kitchen, meaning that my meals will never achieve the psychological attributes she cooks up. So sadly my turkey sandwich will  always be lacking, but the peeled tomatoes have helped a bit…

A beautiful turkey sandwich stuffed with memories (and peeled tomatoes)

]]> http://fedupfood.com/2013/05/08/food-for-thought/feed/ 4 Fed Up Food Turkey Sandwich fedupfood Fed Up Food Whole Tomatoes Fed Up Food Turkey Sandwich Fed Up Food Peeling Fed Up Food Peeled Tomatoes Fed Up Food Sandwich Prep Fed Up Food Turkey Sandwich closeup http://fedupfood.com/2013/05/07/drinking-buddies/ http://fedupfood.com/2013/05/07/drinking-buddies/#comments Tue, 07 May 2013 19:36:50 +0000 Mr. Fed Up http://fedupfood.com/?p=2846 ]]>

How old is 21 in ‘doggie years?

Beer for dogs. This is a thing?!?

I came across this dog ‘beer’ while traveling in Asia…

Finally you can treat “man’s best friend,” like a real pal and buy him a drink.

I am not sure about the alcohol content of this stuff (or even if there is any liquor in it at all), but do we really need to risk having drunk dogs roaming our streets?!? Even when sober, canines are already crazy party animals who randomly hump things and eat inedibles. Could you imagine the havoc that would ensue if fido became intoxicated? He would definitely be a party pooper in all the forms of the meaning.

Nobody will want to come home and deal with a dog suffering a hangover.

]]> http://fedupfood.com/2013/05/07/drinking-buddies/feed/ 4 Fed Up Food Dog Beer Closeup fedupfood Fed Up Food Dog Beer Fed Up Food Dozer http://fedupfood.com/2013/05/03/picking-sides/ http://fedupfood.com/2013/05/03/picking-sides/#comments Fri, 03 May 2013 20:29:01 +0000 Mr. Fed Up http://fedupfood.com/?p=2841 ]]> I am fed up with how so many people take extreme positions on what to eat. Food fanatics cover the whole spectrum from gluten-free followers to Atkins allocates, and even those ‘juicers’ who drink kale for dinner. For every cultist-like vegan there is, there is also a crazed-cow chomping carnivore. Both sides constantly try to gain new recruits for their cause. But often they don’t just kindly ask you to try and eat a dish that follows their dietary guidelines; instead they aggressively push their food philosophy down your throat until you either choke or give-in to their demands. I have run into way too many evangelical ‘foodies’ who relentlessly insist that I practice what they preach.

This is the world we seem to live in

I too am a food fanatic and take an ‘extreme’ stance in what food philosophy I follow. But while I  take a very health conscious approach (more like FREAKING HEALTHY approach) to anything I fill my plate with, I do not pressure my friends, or family or random strangers into eating like me.  I let people do what they want and I expect the same courtesy. If someone wants to go to McDonald’s 4 times a week and feast on fries, then that is fine by me…Just don’t expect me dine with you under the Golden Arches anytime soon.

Too many people who obsess over organics give their more frugal neighbors a hard time for consuming the cheaper options. Anti-GM food supporters protest hostilely whenever a scientific breakthrough is formed on a farm. And then there is the whole category of determined (or demented) dieters including those people who insist that we all ‘fast’ 6-days a week, and the religious follows of Weight Watcher who constantly attempt to convert their friends and families.

People need to just feed their face and stay shut-up about it. If someone asks why you are an American following the ‘Mediterranean Diet’ or why you avoid foods-with-a-face, then you should share your food philosophy. Otherwise keep your subsistence sermons to yourself and stop looking in disgust at me as I happily much on the random crap I call lunch.

Ok. Done with my rant. Now, vegetarians please befriend your carnivorous counterparts and all go and eat in peace.

This is why you are supposed to eat this stuff

Flax apparently is good for you…or at least that is what the packaging of this flax-based product told me. Filled with protein, omega 3s and plenty of fiber, flax clearly seems to be something we should all be stuffing our faces with. But if something is going to become a staple in the Fed Up HQ, then it needs to be more than just healthy…it has to be damn tasty too!

I am always coming across products that brag about how they have flax included in the ingredients. But I have no idea what the Hell the flavor of flax is supposed to be. My favorite wraps that I use to make my flat-bread pizzas are apparently filled with flax. But I have never noticed any sort of ‘flaxy’ taste. They just tasted like plain old wheat wraps to me….

My favorite flax-filled wraps have no ‘flaxy’ taste

So I decided I needed to product more dedicated to this mysterious ‘flax.’ I noticed that Enjoy Life makes a cereal that looks to be heavy on the flax. Enjoy Life has already earned my respect because they make some damn good granola. I figured I could count on them to make another tasty breakfast product and I decided to give their flax cereal a try.

So how did my flax-focused experience go…

Time to face the flax

Well, for starters I did not feel like a toddler eating this stuff for thanks to their NOT being a stupid cartoon character being plastered on this cereal’s box. And the back of the box was used for  ‘pro-flax-propaganda’ which constantly reminded me how this stuff was supposed to be good for me. I then gobbled down a few of the rabbit-feed-looking pellets which made up this cereal and slowly savored the taste. There was a definite crunch, which was awesome. It tasted ‘dry’ and had strong grainy, nutty notes. I had to assume that this nuttiness and the intense flavors of ‘grain’ was due to the flax. It was enjoyable but definitely needed something sweet to make it work. So I topped some yogurt and berries with the stuff and found I had made a freaking awesome breakfast!As a bonus, Enjoy Life’s Flax cereal really kept its crunchy texture despite sitting on top of the yogurt for some time! Like most sane people, I HATE soggy cereal, and was truly grateful for how this stuff can hold up.

Flax cereal + yogurt + berries = tastiness

Admittingly when it came to pure taste, the flax cereal could not compete with some of my favorite finds,  or my usual breakfast crack. But it was healthy and it definitely kept me feeling full for a long time.

After thinking more about this flax-stuff I figured I could get creative and find a way to make it really work in a meal that was even tastier than topping yogurt. I took a bunch of cottage cheese, mixed in strawberries, and piled on the flax cereal followed by a big douse of maple syrup. THIS WAS PERFECT.

So am I am ‘flax-convert’? Not really. It was good. It was enjoyable. But I already get my fiber and other vitals from plenty of things I normally  scarf down each day; so I am not actively seeking its health benefits. As for taste, if I want a purely nutty taste, I have to go with some peanutty decadence in the form of PB Puffins. But if you want something that offers that grainy taste with a nice nutty vibe, that ALSO delivers on the health front, flax just might be for you.

BUT, it can also pose some serious pitfalls to the unprepared or ignorant. I am well versed in many of the side  effects of certain edible delicacies, yet often times I decide to just accept the consequences involved in order to make that perfect meal.

Well, the other night a concoction was created that resulted in a crazy combination of circumstances that my body, my house, and my soul had to deal with…

Picture this: a flat bread topped with caramelized onions, roasted beets, charred asparagus, goat cheese and arugula. A truly wonderful food combo that made me feel like I was embracing the spring season…but after I ate the damn thing I quickly saw the damage that had been done;

*The caramelized onions had infused their cooked-onion-smell into the walls of my entire house. For days my home smelt like a freaking fajita skillet (not necessarily a bad thing, but after a few days I was tired of feeling like I lived in a Mexican restaurant).

*Roasted beets once again reminded me of their daemons when I went to the restroom the next morning and saw red in the toilet bowl.

I wonder if the different colored asparagus would lead to different, less smelly, results?

*The charred asparagus successfully transformed my urine into a pungent chemical weapon that scared me. I could not believe the odor and avoided drinking so that I could postpone the next time I would have to get up to take a leak and face the embarrassingly pungent stench that I emitted.

*The arugula became ensnared in between my teeth, and no amount of flossing seemed to work.

*Cheese, for all of its  wondrous qualities, can still be mighty stinky…This strong goat cheese was no exception and managed to taint my breath with a barnyard funk for several days. A single burp that seeped out from me was capable of overpowering all the hard work the house keepers had done the previous day to sanitize the smells in my home. No breath mint or mouth wash was going to defeat this death breath I was forced deal with due to my passion for tasty food.

Who would have ever thought one meal could ‘reek’ such havoc!?!  This dinner left my house stinking of onions, my pee red and pungent, my teeth filled with green crap, and my breath foul! Why do some of the tastiest damn foods have to have some of the most damaging side effects!?!

We are all frequently stuck with unappetizing junk that we somehow are supposed to turn into a meal. This could be because our budget restricts us from buying pristine produce from Whole Foods. Or it could be because we are dumb-asses who forget that those leftovers in the back of the fridge are slowly rotting and that expiration dates DO exist. Or purely because we are stuck in a situation where nothing appears to be edible (like in many airports or small backwater towns where the only place to get ‘groceries’ is from a gas station). Regardless, here are a few tips to turn crap into tasty crap…

I successfully managed to take a bunch of junk found in my kitchen,  and gave it the Fed Up makeover, which led to one of the most satisfying snacks I have had in a long…long…time. Yes, this will actually get the coveted Fed Up ‘Best Bite‘ award despite being born from such terrible ingredients.

This is what I did to turn a highly processed hotdog, a pickle,  a slice of American cheese, a bit of extremely expired mustard (2 years past the ‘best-by date’) and a stale tortilla into one hell of an impressive looking AND impressive tasting snack.

Just look at those beautiful grill marks. Even Dozer, the Fed Up dog, who is almost completely vegetarian was mesmerized by this beauty.

FACT: Looks are important. Even if the ingredients are complete crap, if the food looks tasty, then it can lead to an enjoyable eating experience. Is this because our mind overpowers our sense of taste? I am not sure. I took the stale tortilla and  heated it on grill pan. I rotated the thing 90 degrees mid-way thorough the cooking process to create that aesthetically pleasing ‘cross-hatch’ pattern on the outside. Suddenly the blank-white page of my tortilla had a kick-ass set of grill marks to liven things up.

FACT: Cheese makes everything taste better. Cheese really is all-powerful. Even if it just the humble American ‘single’, a layer of melty cheese not only provides that beautiful taste and smell, but  the gooey texture also binds the meal together unifying a bunch of parts into a single harmonious bite. I took the slice of cheese and laid it down on the tortilla so that I had a base to build the rest of the wrap upon.

FACT: Grill>microwave. While the quick convenience of the microwave can be freaking difficult to pass-up; the charred bite you can get from something that is cooked crisp in a toaster oven, on the grill or by the stove definitely overcompensates for the increase in time involved. I could have taken that crappy processed hotdog and followed the instructions branded on the packaging that encouraged me to throw the thing in the microwave. But me, being the stubborn food-obessed fanatic that I am, insisted on turning a cheap piece of protein into the best tasting cheap piece of protein possible by giving it the ‘grill’ treatment. This  flimsy, soggy, hot dog suddenly transformed into a smoky sausage with a texture that would provide far more ‘snap’ when bitten into. So once fully cooked, the hot, hotdog was ‘glued down’ to the cheese which melted from the radiant heat.

Ingredients doing their part: The cheese ‘gluing’ the whole thing together and the pickle offering temperature contrast to the hot hotdog.

FACT: Various temperatures and textures keep things interesting. Think about a hot-fudge-sundae or a sour cream topped taco; contrasting temperatures in meals provide a whole new level of edible enjoyment.  And the same goes for textures. Perfect examples include crunchy granola on yogurt, or throwing in nuts to give you something to chew on when digging into a pile of mashed sweet potatoes. Multiple textures keep the meal from getting mundane and your mouth is kept busy adapting to each forkful.  The cool, crunch of the pickle that I placed in the tortilla contrasted perfectly with the rest of the ingredients in a glorious way!

FACT: Balance is necessary. Nobody like a single monotone flavor note. Even you if you like stupidly-spicy food, the intense heat from a chile pepper needs to be kept in check by other elements of the dish. If balance is neglected, you can be left with a dinner dominated by the fiery spice of a pepper, and all the other flavors will be lost.  Paring foods from opposite ends of the flavor spectrum  can harmoniously create a balanced meal where the flavor from each ingredient is enjoyed.   For a  salty element in a meal, a sweet element could then be added to raise the recipe to a whole other level (like how this pizza with goat cheese and salami is balanced out by the figs or how sweet balsamic vinaigrette gets combined with salty feta and bacon in this combo). And vegetarian dinners need something to provide that ‘meaty’ aspect to make a meal not feel like a side dish; so I often add mushrooms which allow for a hearty-chewy-unami meatiness. And to cut through the heavy weight the hotdog and cheese were giving my tortilla-based meal, I knew some strong mustard with its sinus-clearing ability and  vinegar base would do a great job of balancing things. (And if you were wondering about how the 2-year-past-expiration-date mustard tasted…FACT: Mustard NEVER goes bad…at least in the Fed Up kitchen.)

Crappy food made tasty.

FACT: Season EVERYTHING. While natural, locally grown, properly handled produce can be amazingly awesome all on its own; much of the junk we stuff our face with needs a bit of seasoning. The typical tomato you buy from your mega mart is some sort of industrially produced product that is seriously lacking in the natural, juicy flavor you can get from a friendly farmer’s home-grown version. So, YES, there are times when ‘plain’ can be perfect; but more often than not a nice shower of seasoning will add just the right accent to a meal. A quick shake from my garlic-onion-paprika-pepper based homemade seasoning really made the hotdog tortilla creation just perfect. It is amazing how a few sprinkles of seasoning can manage to tie a whole dish together. (And if you REALLY screw up a recipe, a bunch of flavorful seasoning can often cover up your mistakes.)

So remember these ‘facts’ and you too can make bad food taste damn good.

So that is the Fed Up Jeep parked in front of one of ‘those’ establishments serving up too wide of a range of foods. How did this restaurant end up ‘specializing’ in fried chicken, Chinese food, seafood, and po-boy-sandwiches?!? I question the authenticity of their Chinese food, and I wonder how fresh their seafood actually is…
Dozer, the Fed Up dog did not approve of this place.

I admit, there are times when it works out OK…In Chicago I have seen an Asian-Italian place that appeared to make sense, and in Vegas there is a great place called Sushi Samba serving up Brazilian-Peruvian-Japanese stuff. It works. But often times Food fusions can often be terrible if not balanced correctly.

I like a range of options when it comes to ordering food on a menu. Choice is a GOOD thing. However places like The Cheesecake Factory which have crazy menus offering some sort of dish from practically every country, are just overbearing. Once you are done navigating the menu and finally decide what region of the world your taste-buds are going to visit, the waiter leaves you with a plate of food that just seems…dull and far from extraordinaire.

I have been to 24-hour dinners where you can start off with bowl of Mediterranean humus as your appetizer, followed by an Asian stirfy, and then finish with an American apple pie. Everything is edible…but not really enjoyable. The more cultural cuisines a menu tires to offer, the more likely that nothing is going to be very special.